what I write about
she has fallen and now she is awake
I have been without the internet for about 2 weeks now. It was far harder than I would have wished and I dislike admitting it.
I’m in my ‘home town’ now though and by God am I struggling with it. My new job is fine* and the house is alright** but there’s a sacrifice to this that I wish someone would just fucking understand without being told, without being taught.
I sacrificed friends and a budding little community of like-minded people in order to surround myself with relatives who call me daughter a ‘sook’ and a ‘whiner’ and deride her tears because she couldn’t possibly be truly upset/sad/mad. I’ve sacrificed total and complete acceptance of any breastfeeding goal for ‘ha, you’ll change your mind’ and ‘pfft what are you going to do when she’s five?’ and ‘god, if I walked in and you were feeding a five year old I’d walk back out and not let my kid over’. I sacrificed some of my breastfeeding relationship***.
I sacrificed distance, emotional and physical.
I’m coming to realise how important both are (were?) to me. So far away, my choices were less confronting. So far away, their disapproval was less grating. With so little contact, their seemingly innate disdain for Bunbun’s emotional responses beyond silence and smiles was far more bearable.
So far away, I never had to deal with a house full of people talking.
But I’ve gained as well – for all the negatives, Bunbun has gained a closer relationship with aunts and uncles and cousins. She’s gained that ready made village. It isn’t actually a true concern for us, but we gain baby sitters. I gain a bigger, better job. He gains a bigger better job.
I’ve gained some perspective. Today his siblings came to visit and while there were a few instances where I either completely lost my ability to focus and began to shut down I did communicate my needs and the music was turned off and I recovered. And when it happened again I recovered again. And I spent the entire day with people. This is an incredible improvement. I did not spend a single moment wishing death either upon myself or my guests. I am not curled up in an alogic ball, compulsively reading, rocking or scratching myself. I am not frantically worrying about what is wrong with me. I simply accept that I cannot function with too many sources of noise around me and I cannot function with certain levels of noise and I am not a social animal. That’s all okay. I’m okay.
So there’s the good and the bad. I’m slowly settling in and I’m trying to make an effort to actually nest here, instead of just landing.
* Although in the first week I’ve gotten a combined ‘baby sign will retard your baby’s verbal development/video games destroy your child’s development’ rant as well as an ‘ew ‘extended’ breastfeeding’ commentary. Extended being helpfully defined as over 14 months. The first was on my first day, my first meeting AFTER explaining my background running games workshops for teens and my interest in facilitating/running baby sign workshops. The second is a little more problematic and while I corrected a few factual errors, it’s my team spouting this so I need to work on it.** Between Wolfman’s innate laziness and his gender-approved uselessness with the minutiae of daily life, shit is still ongoing and each time it crops up I lose my shit and we go another few rounds of snarling.
I fucking hate moving.
*** Not a lot, but I don’t express at work any more. I still feed on demand when I’m home, but if I’m not here, neither is breastmilk. Since it has also become clear that she sleeps longer and deeper in a cot than in our bed, night feeds are somewhat down as well. I’m struggling with it all to be honest and I just want to feel comfortable with my decision.