she has fallen and now she is awake

cultivating Zen

aka I fucking hate Christmas but can’t burn it from the face of the earth.

I am trying so hard to cultivate zen right now. I am stressed beyond reason, between extreme extrovert family planning Christmas (FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT OF CELEBRATING) and work (so. many. activities.) I have lost all equilibrium. I am so tired all the time, I am exhausted by the smallest of things. I yell way too much. I snark at Wolfman way too much. I whine way too much.

The worst thing though?

I spend way too much time just wishing Bunbun would leave me alone and be quiet and stop touching me and stop yelling and just let me do this thing and oh god you broke it and why can’t I just have five fucking minutes?

I hate that. And it makes me hate Christmas even more, that I’m devaluing this truly awesome stage in Bunbun’s life to try and do shit because ‘we always do it’. And when I say I hate it, I get ‘well, we’re all stressed’. So why the fuck are we doing it, if no-one enjoys it? Christ.

So I’m cultivating zen. Fatalism. Pondering the absurdity. Anything to get me through the next one and a half weeks. Anything to help me start relishing the time I spend with Bunbun, not resenting it.


One response to “cultivating Zen

  1. Hunter December 17, 2010 at 11:57

    I’m not sure that it is Christmas that does that to me, but you could be describing me right now. It’s such a relief to see it written “out loud,” and know that I’m not the only one with such an overwhelming feeling of frustration. Can’t seem to shake the grumpiness these days. I wish you luck with yours.

    You may have given me the kick in the pants I need to log off and listen to a guided meditation instead. Thanks.

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